WHERE have you been all my life? !
Monday, August 2, 2010
The sins of our Fathers
The dating experiment has been interesting. I can't even call it dating because really I met one guy, the firefighter, who I hit it off with pretty well and that was that. I didn't expect to meet someone I actually liked either but..
That is until his mother came to town to visit him for two weeks and he turned into grouchy mean guy. We havn't had time to hang out for about a week and a half so we had plans today and I never heard from him. So I texted and he finally answered back 2 hrs later. By then it was almost 6pm, who makes plans then? I was disapointed and I felt rejected so I told him forget it basically. He blamed it on being stressed and having his mother in town. I felt like he should have been more polite and I told him he must not be interested. Yeah, insecurity gets the best of me. Now we are not really talking.
So I'm upset. Yeah I feel kinda rejected and I'm thinking I really liked this guy but what really gets me is why is this affecting me so much. And even more than that why do I run into this same scenario over and over with every guy. I assume the worst for every little road bump and immediately assume I know it is because they don't really care, they are getting ready to run. So I go on defense. I feel like this feels way too familiar and I tell myselft I know what's coming, I know what they are thinking, I know they really don't care so why do I even bother. All of this horrible self sabotaging talk I do and for what. None of it is probably even true but it doesn't matter because I make it true. I don't go off anything but what I think I know already from past experience. Therein lies the problem. I am mad because I feel like a total failure when it comes to dating. Why can't I be the girl who gets the guy. I am so nice and giving and laid back blah blah blah it doesn't seem to matter. Why do I meet the same man over and over...why do I continue to try harder and harder the more they act like jerks. It's like jerk behavior suddenly makes me into Miss sweet and nice and I make myself look pathetic trying to fix the situation because I feel like I must be able to turn this around. If they just see how nice and good I really am they will stop acting like assess. It never works. And I only feel worse. And I end up alone.
And I'm writing this now because I need to get it out. Because I think I have found the answer. I am upset but not at him. This isn't about him at all. It's about me. And it's about the fact that once upon a time I was a sweet little girl who had an asshole for a father who probably yelled and acted like a dick no matter how sweet I was and all I wanted was for him to love me and he didn't. Then he left.
So my whole life I have looked for people who eventually will treat me this way even though I hate it, something in me needs it because if I can make the asshole love me then I have won. I have conquered. I have fixed that little girl who was once sweet and nice but grew up and is now bitter but she doesn't want to be. It isn't who she was supposed to be.
So all the men in my life have been there to present me with just that lesson and over and over I have failed. I have blamed them for hurting me but, it's me who fails to see that it isn't about them at all. So I am grateful to them all, because, they were there because I needed them to be. From now on I am not failing this lesson. I am going to realize that the hurt and whatever I feel is not about them, it's about my past. I have to let it go. I have to forgive my father for not loving me the way I needed him to. And I have to remind myself that I am ok.
who needs therapy anyway.
That is until his mother came to town to visit him for two weeks and he turned into grouchy mean guy. We havn't had time to hang out for about a week and a half so we had plans today and I never heard from him. So I texted and he finally answered back 2 hrs later. By then it was almost 6pm, who makes plans then? I was disapointed and I felt rejected so I told him forget it basically. He blamed it on being stressed and having his mother in town. I felt like he should have been more polite and I told him he must not be interested. Yeah, insecurity gets the best of me. Now we are not really talking.
So I'm upset. Yeah I feel kinda rejected and I'm thinking I really liked this guy but what really gets me is why is this affecting me so much. And even more than that why do I run into this same scenario over and over with every guy. I assume the worst for every little road bump and immediately assume I know it is because they don't really care, they are getting ready to run. So I go on defense. I feel like this feels way too familiar and I tell myselft I know what's coming, I know what they are thinking, I know they really don't care so why do I even bother. All of this horrible self sabotaging talk I do and for what. None of it is probably even true but it doesn't matter because I make it true. I don't go off anything but what I think I know already from past experience. Therein lies the problem. I am mad because I feel like a total failure when it comes to dating. Why can't I be the girl who gets the guy. I am so nice and giving and laid back blah blah blah it doesn't seem to matter. Why do I meet the same man over and over...why do I continue to try harder and harder the more they act like jerks. It's like jerk behavior suddenly makes me into Miss sweet and nice and I make myself look pathetic trying to fix the situation because I feel like I must be able to turn this around. If they just see how nice and good I really am they will stop acting like assess. It never works. And I only feel worse. And I end up alone.
And I'm writing this now because I need to get it out. Because I think I have found the answer. I am upset but not at him. This isn't about him at all. It's about me. And it's about the fact that once upon a time I was a sweet little girl who had an asshole for a father who probably yelled and acted like a dick no matter how sweet I was and all I wanted was for him to love me and he didn't. Then he left.
So my whole life I have looked for people who eventually will treat me this way even though I hate it, something in me needs it because if I can make the asshole love me then I have won. I have conquered. I have fixed that little girl who was once sweet and nice but grew up and is now bitter but she doesn't want to be. It isn't who she was supposed to be.
So all the men in my life have been there to present me with just that lesson and over and over I have failed. I have blamed them for hurting me but, it's me who fails to see that it isn't about them at all. So I am grateful to them all, because, they were there because I needed them to be. From now on I am not failing this lesson. I am going to realize that the hurt and whatever I feel is not about them, it's about my past. I have to let it go. I have to forgive my father for not loving me the way I needed him to. And I have to remind myself that I am ok.
who needs therapy anyway.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
so many fish
ok, so I signed my single self up for match.com and I have to say
WOW this is so much fun! There are so many men out there!
I'll have to chronicle my dates here when I go on one. So far there are about 100 men to pick through who have winked or looked or mailed or something like that but there are 2 front runners right now. One a really sweet single dad guy who lives here in longmont-and he's cute and 2nd a really I mean really awesome guy from UK who is brilliant, witty, well traveled, takes photos, seems normal and funny, super hot and oh ya did I mention he is a firefighter...
oh !
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Bliss on a bike
I woke up today to a new Brad. The happy silly Bradley that I know and love. The weather today is amazing. Just the kind of day that I love. Brad suggests we go to Javastop. A small coffee shop in town my friends own. So we ride our bikes there. The air was so fresh and misty and cool, for a minute I thought I was in San Fran! The bike ride was great. We rode fast, we laughed and we took a path along the river for part of the way. Coffee was hot and good. We rode back home in the pouring rain. What a great day!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Today
Brad and I had a break thru. Sort of. He has been dealing with a lot lately, I've tried to be there for him, but I can't be what he needs all the time which is a dad. I get it. It breaks my heart and sometimes I get too emotional when I deal just because ya that's my kid so I take responsibility for his happiness. If he's unhappy I'm unhappy. After a long talk I left for a while for a breather, to work out. The whole time I'm thinking about what can I do different/better. I don't know the answer but what came to me was simple. Be happy no matter what, and maybe Brad will follow. Be a strong role model even if I don't feel strong myself. So I'm trying.
I went to the store and got some simple things for dinner. I came home and asked Brad if he wanted to be the "griller". He said sure with a happy excited tone so I think Hurray! We put on some tunes, open the windows up, we grill and I see his mood lifting, he is engaging, he is distracted from his worries, he is slowly coming back to his normal, he has a job to do - we grill some salmon, asparagus and I make a little salad and cut up some strawberries. We eat. We chat. We clean up. I make some yummy peanut butter cookies. We are both in a good mood.
I sit here listening to Beck, the windows are open blowing me in a nice cool summer breeze and I breathe because life is ok. I am grateful for this tiny moment in my tiny life.
I went to the store and got some simple things for dinner. I came home and asked Brad if he wanted to be the "griller". He said sure with a happy excited tone so I think Hurray! We put on some tunes, open the windows up, we grill and I see his mood lifting, he is engaging, he is distracted from his worries, he is slowly coming back to his normal, he has a job to do - we grill some salmon, asparagus and I make a little salad and cut up some strawberries. We eat. We chat. We clean up. I make some yummy peanut butter cookies. We are both in a good mood.
I sit here listening to Beck, the windows are open blowing me in a nice cool summer breeze and I breathe because life is ok. I am grateful for this tiny moment in my tiny life.
Monday, July 5, 2010
wish me luck!!
Congratulations!
You've completed your Job Application
You've successfully applied to the RN ICU position with Longmont United Hospital.
...I know it's a long shot but I had to try. I feel I belong there and well what the heck they just so happen to have 2 job openings right now and I just so happen to feel that change is in the air for me.
Not sure what yet...
:) wish me luck!!
You've completed your Job Application
You've successfully applied to the RN ICU position with Longmont United Hospital.
...I know it's a long shot but I had to try. I feel I belong there and well what the heck they just so happen to have 2 job openings right now and I just so happen to feel that change is in the air for me.
Not sure what yet...
:) wish me luck!!
4 more days
Four more days. And I feel like my life will be changed forever. This Friday I get my first RN paycheck and let me tell you how much I need it. I know money isn't everything but I have struggled most of my life and I have learned the importance of everything else. Can money change your life? Yes, it will change mine.
I've waited a long time for this and the past few months especially have been rough. I have been so shit ass broke that some days I wonder how I will afford to put gas in my car to get to work. Have I been in worse situations before, yes, absolutely but having my goals accomplished finally this is so close and yet cannot come soon enough. This will just be the cherry on top. Some say they cried when they got their first RN paycheck.. I think I will too.
I have a lot of things to get caught up on but after that life should lighten up a whole lot. It will just feel good to do things I want to do and not sit around in this house anymore thinking and thinking and thinking some more because instead I will be out living life and I cannot wait.
I've waited a long time for this and the past few months especially have been rough. I have been so shit ass broke that some days I wonder how I will afford to put gas in my car to get to work. Have I been in worse situations before, yes, absolutely but having my goals accomplished finally this is so close and yet cannot come soon enough. This will just be the cherry on top. Some say they cried when they got their first RN paycheck.. I think I will too.
I have a lot of things to get caught up on but after that life should lighten up a whole lot. It will just feel good to do things I want to do and not sit around in this house anymore thinking and thinking and thinking some more because instead I will be out living life and I cannot wait.
Monday, June 21, 2010
draw diggity draw
This my excavation, today is kumran
Everything that happens is from now on.
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed
I keep throwing it down two-hundred at a time
It's hard to find it when you knew it
When your money's gone and you're drunk as hell
The fountain in the front yard is rusted out
All my love was down in a frozen ground
There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed and he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss
Whatever could it be that has brought me to this loss?
This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me
-Bon Iver
:)
Invariably, Elizabeth, a sudden disappointment, a bit of "bad" news, or a flock of butterflies gathering in your stomach, are all omens that a fabulous adventure is fast approaching.
Hit me baby,
The Universe
Hit me baby,
The Universe
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
the Universe listens
It sure does work in mysterious ways. Although I have always had a knack to be able to invoke what I need simply by asking or putting it out there some things in my life just simply don't work out because I know on some level I have negative thoughts or feelings attached to it. This has gotten the best of me lately, the other day being a culmination of that leading to a sort of a break down. But there is beauty in the breakdown. It forces us to see that somehing is wrong. The other day the accumulation of my negative thinking and months of trying to rid my life of the loss I felt by accepting the loss simply didn't work anymore. I needed help. I needed an answer.
Of course I found it. That night I opened up one of my Wayne Dyer books tonight in bed and opened it up directly to a page that said : Decontaminating your mind fields of energy. Whoa. Talk about exactly what I needed to read. It's nothing I have not heard before but needed the reminder. Our thoughts create our reality and negative thoughts are a bullshit waste of time and affect us and everyone else around us. Duh. I was trying so hard to "get over it" I couldn't see that I was making myself miserable. For me, it's not about forgetting or not feeling, it's about seeing things from a loving persepective and knowing that everything is in my life because I need it to be. I am no longer drowning in sorrow and self pity but grateful for an the opportunity that I have to change and grow and maybe face some issues I have never had the insight to face.
Here is what the chapter ends with; He says, I love this idea, finding the track on which God can be found. This is the energy field I am asking you to consider. It is devoid of the lower energies that contaminate our lives and saddle us with illusions we call problems.
Here's to love and "problems" and change..
Of course I found it. That night I opened up one of my Wayne Dyer books tonight in bed and opened it up directly to a page that said : Decontaminating your mind fields of energy. Whoa. Talk about exactly what I needed to read. It's nothing I have not heard before but needed the reminder. Our thoughts create our reality and negative thoughts are a bullshit waste of time and affect us and everyone else around us. Duh. I was trying so hard to "get over it" I couldn't see that I was making myself miserable. For me, it's not about forgetting or not feeling, it's about seeing things from a loving persepective and knowing that everything is in my life because I need it to be. I am no longer drowning in sorrow and self pity but grateful for an the opportunity that I have to change and grow and maybe face some issues I have never had the insight to face.
Here is what the chapter ends with; He says, I love this idea, finding the track on which God can be found. This is the energy field I am asking you to consider. It is devoid of the lower energies that contaminate our lives and saddle us with illusions we call problems.
Here's to love and "problems" and change..
Sunday, June 13, 2010
flatlined
Lately I feel blank.
Not sure what this is. Some would probably say depression or maybe boredom. I had all this excitement built up in my head around this time and what it would look like once I graduate and get mylife back but now I guess I'm sitting here wondering what exactly IS my life now?
Maybe it will take time to get caught up with finances and then I will feel a little more freedom to do the things I want to do like take kickboxing and yoga and maybe buy some new things for the house. I guess all those things will help me feel like my life is a bit more purposeful than just sitting here wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do next.
I don't like this apathy though, I know life is much more than this blank feeling. I know there is so much love and happiness and adventure out there waiting for me if I could just find a way to open up to it. Until then, I'll continue to just try everyday to get out of this funk, I will keep thinking of how I know life can be, I will ask the Universe to help me see things in a different perspective.
I may not be asking pretty soon I may be begging.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
destiny cards
sigh...Below is the interpretation for card governing your current 52 day period. The card for Your Destiny has all of the cards for your entire life as well as the cards for everyone you know.
The Basic Meaning of the Nine of Hearts
The Nine of Hearts can be a card of emotional disappointment and personal losses on the affectional level. However, this is the card of completions in love and of 'Universal Love'. Yes, the Nine of Hearts can signal the ending of one or more key relationships. If so, it is most likely that these relationships are no longer doing you any good. It is time for them to end, whether or not you realize this at the time they happen.
However, the Nine of Hearts can also represent our helping others by counseling them or in some way sharing our love and compassion with them. It means a giving of love in a more or less selfless manner.
Friday, June 11, 2010
blogger?
A couple people have suggested to me to start a blog. Nah. I'm not a writer. What would I even say. My life is not that exciting. Who is even gonna read this?
So here I am. Giving it a go. To talk about...my not so exciting life and other stuff that might come up. I figured it would give me something to do on these nights where I am up late and Tv sucks and I can't quite get into "Eat Pray Love" and the Tao te ching is a little too heavy to read. Everyone else is asleep it seems and I am not....
A couple friends of mine have blogs and they are pretty entertaining to read and filled with beautiful photos and crafty-creative makings...not sure what will fill my blog but it's something new to go along with my something-new-life I am starting.
Cheers.
So here I am. Giving it a go. To talk about...my not so exciting life and other stuff that might come up. I figured it would give me something to do on these nights where I am up late and Tv sucks and I can't quite get into "Eat Pray Love" and the Tao te ching is a little too heavy to read. Everyone else is asleep it seems and I am not....
A couple friends of mine have blogs and they are pretty entertaining to read and filled with beautiful photos and crafty-creative makings...not sure what will fill my blog but it's something new to go along with my something-new-life I am starting.
Cheers.
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