Monday, August 2, 2010

The sins of our Fathers

The dating experiment has been interesting. I can't even call it dating because really I met one guy, the firefighter, who I hit it off with pretty well and that was that. I didn't expect to meet someone I actually liked either but..
That is until his mother came to town to visit him for two weeks and he turned into grouchy mean guy. We havn't had time to hang out for about a week and a half so we had plans today and I never heard from him. So I texted and he finally answered back 2 hrs later. By then it was almost 6pm, who makes plans then? I was disapointed and I felt rejected so I told him forget it basically. He blamed it on being stressed and having his mother in town. I felt like he should have been more polite and I told him he must not be interested. Yeah, insecurity gets the best of me. Now we are not really talking.
So I'm upset. Yeah I feel kinda rejected and I'm thinking I really liked this guy but what really gets me is why is this affecting me so much. And even more than that why do I run into this same scenario over and over with every guy. I assume the worst for every little road bump and immediately assume I know it is because they don't really care, they are getting ready to run. So I go on defense. I feel like this feels way too familiar and I tell myselft I know what's coming, I know what they are thinking, I know they really don't care so why do I even bother. All of this horrible self sabotaging talk I do and for what. None of it is probably even true but it doesn't matter because I make it true. I don't go off anything but what I think I know already from past experience. Therein lies the problem. I am mad because I feel like a total failure when it comes to dating. Why can't I be the girl who gets the guy. I am so nice and giving and laid back blah blah blah it doesn't seem to matter. Why do I meet the same man over and over...why do I continue to try harder and harder the more they act like jerks. It's like jerk behavior suddenly makes me into Miss sweet and nice and I make myself look pathetic trying to fix the situation because I feel like I must be able to turn this around. If they just see how nice and good I really am they will stop acting like assess. It never works. And I only feel worse. And I end up alone.
And I'm writing this now because I need to get it out. Because I think I have found the answer. I am upset but not at him. This isn't about him at all. It's about me. And it's about the fact that once upon a time I was a sweet little girl who had an asshole for a father who probably yelled and acted like a dick no matter how sweet I was and all I wanted was for him to love me and he didn't. Then he left.
So my whole life I have looked for people who eventually will treat me this way even though I hate it, something in me needs it because if I can make the asshole love me then I have won. I have conquered. I have fixed that little girl who was once sweet and nice but grew up and is now bitter but she doesn't want to be. It isn't who she was supposed to be.
So all the men in my life have been there to present me with just that lesson and over and over I have failed. I have blamed them for hurting me but, it's me who fails to see that it isn't about them at all. So I am grateful to them all, because, they were there because I needed them to be. From now on I am not failing this lesson. I am going to realize that the hurt and whatever I feel is not about them, it's about my past. I have to let it go. I have to forgive my father for not loving me the way I needed him to. And I have to remind myself that I am ok.

who needs therapy anyway.

1 comment:

  1. Let me save u some money. Whether we realize it or not, how we were brought up effects us more than we know. We go for what feels familiar. Thats why we go for the assholes. Also, as women, I think we tend to be nurturers, hence the reason we choose nursing as a profession. We want to fix things. If we fix things we prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy, we are enough. But you basically just said that in your post. The way I dealt with it was going for someone so different than anyone I had dated before. It helped me break the cycle. By no means am I "fixed" but not having to go through the worries of being inadequate takes a lot of stress off my shoulders to focus on better things. I know exactly how u feel, and it sucks, if fathers knew how much there actions effected us they may have stuck it out or manned up enough to do the right thing, but they were weak, and we were/are strong because we were forced to be by there selfish behavior. Man, I could go on and on.