WHERE have you been all my life? !
Monday, August 2, 2010
The sins of our Fathers
The dating experiment has been interesting. I can't even call it dating because really I met one guy, the firefighter, who I hit it off with pretty well and that was that. I didn't expect to meet someone I actually liked either but..
That is until his mother came to town to visit him for two weeks and he turned into grouchy mean guy. We havn't had time to hang out for about a week and a half so we had plans today and I never heard from him. So I texted and he finally answered back 2 hrs later. By then it was almost 6pm, who makes plans then? I was disapointed and I felt rejected so I told him forget it basically. He blamed it on being stressed and having his mother in town. I felt like he should have been more polite and I told him he must not be interested. Yeah, insecurity gets the best of me. Now we are not really talking.
So I'm upset. Yeah I feel kinda rejected and I'm thinking I really liked this guy but what really gets me is why is this affecting me so much. And even more than that why do I run into this same scenario over and over with every guy. I assume the worst for every little road bump and immediately assume I know it is because they don't really care, they are getting ready to run. So I go on defense. I feel like this feels way too familiar and I tell myselft I know what's coming, I know what they are thinking, I know they really don't care so why do I even bother. All of this horrible self sabotaging talk I do and for what. None of it is probably even true but it doesn't matter because I make it true. I don't go off anything but what I think I know already from past experience. Therein lies the problem. I am mad because I feel like a total failure when it comes to dating. Why can't I be the girl who gets the guy. I am so nice and giving and laid back blah blah blah it doesn't seem to matter. Why do I meet the same man over and over...why do I continue to try harder and harder the more they act like jerks. It's like jerk behavior suddenly makes me into Miss sweet and nice and I make myself look pathetic trying to fix the situation because I feel like I must be able to turn this around. If they just see how nice and good I really am they will stop acting like assess. It never works. And I only feel worse. And I end up alone.
And I'm writing this now because I need to get it out. Because I think I have found the answer. I am upset but not at him. This isn't about him at all. It's about me. And it's about the fact that once upon a time I was a sweet little girl who had an asshole for a father who probably yelled and acted like a dick no matter how sweet I was and all I wanted was for him to love me and he didn't. Then he left.
So my whole life I have looked for people who eventually will treat me this way even though I hate it, something in me needs it because if I can make the asshole love me then I have won. I have conquered. I have fixed that little girl who was once sweet and nice but grew up and is now bitter but she doesn't want to be. It isn't who she was supposed to be.
So all the men in my life have been there to present me with just that lesson and over and over I have failed. I have blamed them for hurting me but, it's me who fails to see that it isn't about them at all. So I am grateful to them all, because, they were there because I needed them to be. From now on I am not failing this lesson. I am going to realize that the hurt and whatever I feel is not about them, it's about my past. I have to let it go. I have to forgive my father for not loving me the way I needed him to. And I have to remind myself that I am ok.
who needs therapy anyway.
That is until his mother came to town to visit him for two weeks and he turned into grouchy mean guy. We havn't had time to hang out for about a week and a half so we had plans today and I never heard from him. So I texted and he finally answered back 2 hrs later. By then it was almost 6pm, who makes plans then? I was disapointed and I felt rejected so I told him forget it basically. He blamed it on being stressed and having his mother in town. I felt like he should have been more polite and I told him he must not be interested. Yeah, insecurity gets the best of me. Now we are not really talking.
So I'm upset. Yeah I feel kinda rejected and I'm thinking I really liked this guy but what really gets me is why is this affecting me so much. And even more than that why do I run into this same scenario over and over with every guy. I assume the worst for every little road bump and immediately assume I know it is because they don't really care, they are getting ready to run. So I go on defense. I feel like this feels way too familiar and I tell myselft I know what's coming, I know what they are thinking, I know they really don't care so why do I even bother. All of this horrible self sabotaging talk I do and for what. None of it is probably even true but it doesn't matter because I make it true. I don't go off anything but what I think I know already from past experience. Therein lies the problem. I am mad because I feel like a total failure when it comes to dating. Why can't I be the girl who gets the guy. I am so nice and giving and laid back blah blah blah it doesn't seem to matter. Why do I meet the same man over and over...why do I continue to try harder and harder the more they act like jerks. It's like jerk behavior suddenly makes me into Miss sweet and nice and I make myself look pathetic trying to fix the situation because I feel like I must be able to turn this around. If they just see how nice and good I really am they will stop acting like assess. It never works. And I only feel worse. And I end up alone.
And I'm writing this now because I need to get it out. Because I think I have found the answer. I am upset but not at him. This isn't about him at all. It's about me. And it's about the fact that once upon a time I was a sweet little girl who had an asshole for a father who probably yelled and acted like a dick no matter how sweet I was and all I wanted was for him to love me and he didn't. Then he left.
So my whole life I have looked for people who eventually will treat me this way even though I hate it, something in me needs it because if I can make the asshole love me then I have won. I have conquered. I have fixed that little girl who was once sweet and nice but grew up and is now bitter but she doesn't want to be. It isn't who she was supposed to be.
So all the men in my life have been there to present me with just that lesson and over and over I have failed. I have blamed them for hurting me but, it's me who fails to see that it isn't about them at all. So I am grateful to them all, because, they were there because I needed them to be. From now on I am not failing this lesson. I am going to realize that the hurt and whatever I feel is not about them, it's about my past. I have to let it go. I have to forgive my father for not loving me the way I needed him to. And I have to remind myself that I am ok.
who needs therapy anyway.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
so many fish
ok, so I signed my single self up for match.com and I have to say
WOW this is so much fun! There are so many men out there!
I'll have to chronicle my dates here when I go on one. So far there are about 100 men to pick through who have winked or looked or mailed or something like that but there are 2 front runners right now. One a really sweet single dad guy who lives here in longmont-and he's cute and 2nd a really I mean really awesome guy from UK who is brilliant, witty, well traveled, takes photos, seems normal and funny, super hot and oh ya did I mention he is a firefighter...
oh !
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Bliss on a bike
I woke up today to a new Brad. The happy silly Bradley that I know and love. The weather today is amazing. Just the kind of day that I love. Brad suggests we go to Javastop. A small coffee shop in town my friends own. So we ride our bikes there. The air was so fresh and misty and cool, for a minute I thought I was in San Fran! The bike ride was great. We rode fast, we laughed and we took a path along the river for part of the way. Coffee was hot and good. We rode back home in the pouring rain. What a great day!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Today
Brad and I had a break thru. Sort of. He has been dealing with a lot lately, I've tried to be there for him, but I can't be what he needs all the time which is a dad. I get it. It breaks my heart and sometimes I get too emotional when I deal just because ya that's my kid so I take responsibility for his happiness. If he's unhappy I'm unhappy. After a long talk I left for a while for a breather, to work out. The whole time I'm thinking about what can I do different/better. I don't know the answer but what came to me was simple. Be happy no matter what, and maybe Brad will follow. Be a strong role model even if I don't feel strong myself. So I'm trying.
I went to the store and got some simple things for dinner. I came home and asked Brad if he wanted to be the "griller". He said sure with a happy excited tone so I think Hurray! We put on some tunes, open the windows up, we grill and I see his mood lifting, he is engaging, he is distracted from his worries, he is slowly coming back to his normal, he has a job to do - we grill some salmon, asparagus and I make a little salad and cut up some strawberries. We eat. We chat. We clean up. I make some yummy peanut butter cookies. We are both in a good mood.
I sit here listening to Beck, the windows are open blowing me in a nice cool summer breeze and I breathe because life is ok. I am grateful for this tiny moment in my tiny life.
I went to the store and got some simple things for dinner. I came home and asked Brad if he wanted to be the "griller". He said sure with a happy excited tone so I think Hurray! We put on some tunes, open the windows up, we grill and I see his mood lifting, he is engaging, he is distracted from his worries, he is slowly coming back to his normal, he has a job to do - we grill some salmon, asparagus and I make a little salad and cut up some strawberries. We eat. We chat. We clean up. I make some yummy peanut butter cookies. We are both in a good mood.
I sit here listening to Beck, the windows are open blowing me in a nice cool summer breeze and I breathe because life is ok. I am grateful for this tiny moment in my tiny life.
Monday, July 5, 2010
wish me luck!!
Congratulations!
You've completed your Job Application
You've successfully applied to the RN ICU position with Longmont United Hospital.
...I know it's a long shot but I had to try. I feel I belong there and well what the heck they just so happen to have 2 job openings right now and I just so happen to feel that change is in the air for me.
Not sure what yet...
:) wish me luck!!
You've completed your Job Application
You've successfully applied to the RN ICU position with Longmont United Hospital.
...I know it's a long shot but I had to try. I feel I belong there and well what the heck they just so happen to have 2 job openings right now and I just so happen to feel that change is in the air for me.
Not sure what yet...
:) wish me luck!!
4 more days
Four more days. And I feel like my life will be changed forever. This Friday I get my first RN paycheck and let me tell you how much I need it. I know money isn't everything but I have struggled most of my life and I have learned the importance of everything else. Can money change your life? Yes, it will change mine.
I've waited a long time for this and the past few months especially have been rough. I have been so shit ass broke that some days I wonder how I will afford to put gas in my car to get to work. Have I been in worse situations before, yes, absolutely but having my goals accomplished finally this is so close and yet cannot come soon enough. This will just be the cherry on top. Some say they cried when they got their first RN paycheck.. I think I will too.
I have a lot of things to get caught up on but after that life should lighten up a whole lot. It will just feel good to do things I want to do and not sit around in this house anymore thinking and thinking and thinking some more because instead I will be out living life and I cannot wait.
I've waited a long time for this and the past few months especially have been rough. I have been so shit ass broke that some days I wonder how I will afford to put gas in my car to get to work. Have I been in worse situations before, yes, absolutely but having my goals accomplished finally this is so close and yet cannot come soon enough. This will just be the cherry on top. Some say they cried when they got their first RN paycheck.. I think I will too.
I have a lot of things to get caught up on but after that life should lighten up a whole lot. It will just feel good to do things I want to do and not sit around in this house anymore thinking and thinking and thinking some more because instead I will be out living life and I cannot wait.
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